There’s a guy at Harvard named Daniel Gilbert (no not that Dan Gilbert), and he wrote a book called Stumbling on Happiness. It was a big seller. It’s not a self-help book. The book’s basic point is that there’s a paradox…people who got everything they ever wanted are still unhappy and people who lose everything are living happy and fulfilling lives.

His point is that when we think about how we will feel when we get the things we want, we tend to underestimate the ways in which the world will continue to rain on our parade. Some might be related to whatever it is that was achieved, and some might be just general life. Whatever it is, life won’t be the perfection we expected.

It works the other way, too. You might think that if tragedy struck, you couldn’t go on, but the world is filled with people who did…for the same reason, in reverse. In this case, you’re underestimating the good things that will still happen to you. Gilbert cites former House Speaker Jim Wright as an example. After a most public fall, he went from being one of the most powerful people in the world to a regular guy. And he’s much happier. Similarly, Gilbert interviews a quadriplegic, a condition we can barely even imagine. Yes, he’s happy, too. Measurably happier than people who are CEOs.

How Zoom Helps Us Know and Understand Each Other

I was thinking about this when I found this story in PR Daily. The story is about how relationships with client-colleagues is actually stronger than before. How can that be?

There’s something about seeing the inside of someone’s home that makes you feel like you know them on a deeper level, whether you get a sense of their interior decor style or find them in front of a rare book collection that you had no idea interested both of you. This has allowed both clients and coworkers to learn new things about each other’s hobbies, interests and sometimes even family members or pets. It has also allowed for people to feel more exposed and therefore more vulnerable.

Interesting, right? (Note that a restaurant lunch was not mentioned anywhere, Be strong, solider). We were busy complaining about the impersonal nature of web calls and the lack of human connection and along comes a completely unanticipated plus. It’s just what Gilbert was talking about.

I have my own version of this. I have a messy closet. I don’t even think about it, in fact. I did a couple zoom calls in front of my messy closet and people started to make fun of me, so I got the zoom background you see below. It was a chance for me to poke fun at myself.

What does this mean to communicators, especially when communicating change?

Be Direct…Don’t Try to Protect People or Make them Happy

First, we have to temper our expectations when we give people good news, like a promotion or firing their workenemy. They’ll be happy for a while, but then they will find new grievances. The answer is not to do things just to make people happy. Give them agency over the things that are bothering when you can and then listen empathically. They’re never going to be 100% happy and satisfied so stop being disappointed in them when they aren’t.

Often, though, we are communicating negative changes. And people get very upset. Why? Because they perceive nothing but misery ahead. We know that won’t be true, so when you do change communications, don’t be afraid to be direct and transparent. Don’t try to protect them. The thrill of being able to see their favorite client’s bookshelf is waiting just around the corner, along with other unexpected delights.